Why Killing Yourself Is A Bad Idea
by mbus55
Summary: When I tried to commit suicide, I recieved a punishment far worse than hell... keeping ten of fiction's most suicidal characters from doing themselves in. Features Lord of the Rings, Le Mis, Troy, and Harry Potter characters and a lot of fun randomosity.
1. The Punishment

**Chapter #1: A Very Bad Idea and Freaky Consequences.**

Co-written by OGreatRandom and Enigmagirl2727

I'll just clear up one little matter. On a normal day I would never try to commit suicide. Never, it's scary. Death I mean, at least I think it's scary normally. That day was just really bad. One of those times when everything's caving in on you and you just want to… die. I won't bore you with the details. It's not fair for me to drag your mood down by telling you about the day from hell I was having. Everything that could have happened to me did, I'm not exaggerating, and it was bad.

So on that day from hell I found myself standing at the edge of a cliff, staring down. Not metaphorically or anything, I was actually on a cliff. I don't really remember deciding to jump. To tell the truth I will always blame the wind. It blew me right off despite what about ten eyewitnesses may say about me leaping off on my own free will. So we can agree that depression aside, I didn't actually jump per se.

But even if it was true everyone has bad days, right? All right maybe most people would talk to someone like a friend but in my case… No I said I wouldn't burden you with the details of my day from hell.

As it turns out I didn't succeed in committing suicide. On the way down I hit a few trees that slowed my fall enough so that I survived.

So I've set up what was going on for you. I, obviously, needed to pay for a lot of expensive hospital bills but I couldn't. I had no money. Worse, I was in debt even before I jumped. One of the contributing factors to my ill-advised leap.

The day after I was released from the hospital I stole my neighbor's newspaper and began reading the part that advertises job openings. Of course I really wasn't qualified for any of them.

And then I saw it! The ad described the perfect job for someone who needed money fast. The person was looking for someone to escort ten people from out of town around the city for a week. During the week they would stay with the ten visitors in a mansion where they would have a three room suite. The pay was five thousand dollars a day with free room and board.

You know the expression, if it sounds to good to be true then it probably is? Well I knew it but after reading that I wasn't thinking about some old saying. You can probably see why. I copied down the address and ran there, it was only a block from my house.

Coincidence, I think not.

…it was almost like someone _planned_ it. But why would that happen?

It did occur to me that in all the years I had lived in this area I had never noticed the huge mansion that I was now standing in front of. But in my slightly insane mode this fact didn't stop me from pushing the red button on the front gate.

After criticizing the people who press the giant red button for years it was surprising how brilliant the idea seemed. There was a certain satisfaction that I felt from pressing the giant red button.

Until the trap door opened up under me. I fell onto a slide that took me down almost vertically before evening out and depositing me onto the floor of a grand room. There was artwork everywhere. Paintings, sculptures, and other art like things.

"Oh crap am I dead?"

"Of course not," the man answered, "what would make you think that?"

"You look like an angel."

"There's a good reason for that. I am an angel."

"So why are you here talking to me? Why aren't you up there," I pointed up at the ceiling, "partying in heaven or whatever you do normally?"

"I'm being punished," he said with a sigh, "but it's not all that bad."

"Why not?"

"Because my punishment is to punish you. I think that punishing people is kind of fun."

"You don't make a very good angel."

"I know," he answered with a sigh, "that's why I'm here talking with you instead of up there."

"So now that I know why you're here can you fill me in on why I'm here? Why do you have to punish me?"

"You tried to commit suicide. That's a no-no. The big guy frowns on suicide. And my job is to punish you for trying. I mean give you a way to redeem yourself."

"How?"

"By giving you that job you came here to get. You have to watch ten people for a week. You get paid and everything. If you can multiply five thousand by the number of days in a week then that's how much you'll get. The only complication is that these ten people may possibly try to commit suicide every other second. If any of them die then you don't get your money."

"That sounds hard."

"Let me tell you," he said shaking his head, "it will be. I don't envy you." He looked at his watch and sighed. "Well I got to go. Your visitors will arrive in an hour. So you can get ready."

"Wait-"

But it was too late. In a flash of white light, the angel was gone.

_Ah, the beginnings of sagas. This was originally OGreatRandom's idea; almost the entirety chapter is hers. However, when she hit writer's block she handed the project over to me, Enigmagirl2727. The rest of the chapters are mainly rough drafts of hers that I attacked. Hope you enjoy it. _


	2. Let The Pain Begin

_Author's Note:_

_Hey, this is ogreatrandom, and thank you for reading my/enigmairl2727 's story. I want to let everyone know that I did not know that this story was being posted until I saw it online. Bit of a surprise. Don't worry, I'm not mad, I thought it was funny. Anyway I'm posting the second chapter just so I can say hello to everyone._

_And I'd really like to give a big thanks to destinyheart15 for their very kind review. Anyway on with the story._

**Chapter #2**

It was exactly an hour later when I saw more white light, this time it looked like a doorway had opened. Out of the door stumbled a ragged and grimy man. He looked around wildly.

"Where is Arwen?"

"Uhh," I answered, "I have no idea. I don't even know who you're talking about." He just stared and then turned and began to walk away.

"I can not live without her," he explained, "so I am going to find an enemy that I can face that will result in my death."

"I'm sorry I can't let you get yourself killed."

"But I must" he said with a wild look in his eyes, "there is no other way." He was headed towards the door leading outside. If he walked in the opposite direction he would walk into an empty room.

"Well there are all powerful enemies in there," I pointed into the empty room, "I don't think anyone can beat them. There are too many and they are too powerful." He ran right in and I closed the door and locked it.

At that moment another flash of light revealed another doorway. This time a woman stumbled out.

"Where is my Aragorn?" Oh God not again. "I cannot live without him. I must give up my life in sorrow." I opened the room where I had trapped the guy.

"He's in here," I said, "don't kill yourself." She ran in and I closed the door again. I saw the doorway of white light appear again.

What else could happen?

I am such an idiot. I smacked my head with my hand. Whenever anyone thinks that something worse does happen. Arg!

At that second yet another doorway opened and a man came out. He was sweaty and bloody. When he saw me he rushed over and grabbed my shoulders.

"Do you know my name?"

"No," I answered slowly, "do you?"

"I want my name to live on forever!" He shouted at me wildly. "Forever! Do you understand?" I didn't have the slightest clue.

"Of course."

"If I die everyone will know my name. That's the best way to achieve immortality."

"No," I said quickly, "that's a very bad idea. How about this?" I pulled a piece of paper and a pen out of my purse and thrust them at the man. "Write your name on this. That way when people read it they'll know your name."

The dreaded doorway of light opened again. This time a girl in a ragged outfit stumbled out she had a floppy over-sized hat on.

"Will he love me?" She asked pointing at the man. I looked over and saw him writing the name Achilles in large letters on the paper.

"No," I said, "I think he's too worried about having people remember his name."

"Nobody will ever love me!" She shrieked in a panicked voice. "Quick, I must find a way to die so he will be sad I'm dieing."

"Don't do that," I snapped at her, "remember death is bad. Very bad. Quite unpleasant." I must have been boring the girl however because just then she started to sing in a slightly nasal and very whiney voice. It was 'On My Own'. I guess that gave me a pretty good idea as to who this was. It was Eponine.

I was trying to get Eponine to shut up when the evil light appeared again. This time an old man with long grey hair came out. He was wearing heavy robs and had a wild look in his eyes.

"My line has ended!" He shouted. "I will burn like the heathen kings of old." He turned and rushed at me. "Bring me wood and oil." This would be Denethor the insane steward of Gondor.

"Umm," I said making sure my voice still worked, "if you can get that girl to be quiet without hurting her I'll show you where we keep the wood and oil."

Show being the key word in that sentence. Show not give. It may not have been the best solution but it kept creepy wild Denethor away from me. Just in time to greet the next guest. What happy joy.

So happy I felt like sobbing.

The next door revealed a man holding a giant red flag. He started running around the room waving the flag. Singing. I felt like banging my head into a wall. He came over to me after circling the room five times.

"Will you join me in a fight to the death to protest the poverty of the poor." But he said it in a singing voice.

"There will be no dieing for the poor." I said grabbing the flag from the man who I was guessing was Enjoras. "Why don't you go ask all these people for money to give to the poor?"

I didn't hear his answer however because at that moment another doorway of light materialized and a boy came out. He had unkempt black hair, green eyes, round glasses, and a lighting bolt shaped scar. He surveyed the room before saying anything.

"That girl is in danger," he was pointing at Eponine, "I will save her." There was nothing I could really say. She was in trouble because I had sent Denethor after her. He was shouting and she was singing even louder. Adding Harry Potter to the mix didn't seem like the smartest idea.

"Hey," I intervened, "I have a better idea. See that man there," I pointed at Enjoras, "he wants to save the poor. Help him." Harry Potter rushed over to save the day. He almost ran right into the next doorway.

Unfortunately he wasn't transported away. Instead he ran right into a man. The man stood up quickly.

"That boy," he proclaimed, "he is running so must be fleeing from a undefeatable enemy-"

"Where?" Many voices shouted excitedly looking around interrupting the man. Then I saw another door appear.

"We will all die," The man continues to yell seeing the light, "I, Hector Prince of Troy, must die before they come! No! It is too late! They are here!"

"No," I sigh, "it's just another guest." Another suicidal insane guest. "Great." I could tell this one would be bad based on the first thing he said as he charged out of the door.

"For death!" I rolled my eyes. "We will fight until death takes us!"

"There's no reason to do that," I yelled over everyone else's cheers, "no reason to die. Repeat. No reason to die!" A new doorway was now appearing. Based on my count this person would the last to arrive. A tall man came out.

" Do you want to kill yourself," I asked with a sigh, "like everyone else here."

"No," he answered and I beamed, "I want to kill Jean-Val Jean."

"Umm," I began, "he isn't here."

"Damn I lost him," he cried, "I will have to kill myself." I smacked myself in the head. Hard. I looked around and smacked myself again.

Denethor was trying to burn Aragorn and himself to death. Arwen was trying to kill herself because she didn't want to live without Aragorn. Harry Potter had conjured a rain storm to put out the fire and Eponine was singing 'A Little Fall Of Rain'. Achilles had run out of room on his paper and was carving his name all over the wall with his sword. Enjoras and Javert were arguing over the best way to die through song. Hector and Theoden were comparing speeches before leading troops into certain death.

_Author's Note:_

_Sorry me again, I just wanted to specify where everyone is from in case you didn't know a character._

_Aragorn: Lord Of The Rings_

_Arwen: Lord Of The Rings_

_Achilles: Troy_

_Eponine: Les Miserables_

_Denethor: Lord Of The Rings_

_Enjoras: Les Miserables_

_Harry Potter: Harry Potter_

_Hector: Troy_

_Theoden: Lord Of The Rings_

_Javert: Les Miserables_


	3. A Day At The Zoo

_Author's Note:_

_So this is ogreatrandom posting again. This is the first day and I hope you enjoy it. I know it's been a while since we last posted. Look out for the second day which will be written by enigmagirl2727._

_I will thank destinyheart15 for their review. And thank you surf all day and do the hula I'm sorry I didn't get your name on the second chapter. enigmagirl2727, I don't think you or I really count but the review was nice anyway. And thanks to everyone who has even just read the story. I hope you enjoy it._

_Oh just to assure everyone this story is not a reflection on our opinion of suicide. It's just us poking fun at movie and book characters who get carried away with their suicidal tendencies. Suicide in real life is not funny at all._

**Chapter #3**

"Where are we going?" Enjoras sang. I had found out that Enjoras always sang everything. It was quickly becoming unpleasant.

"We are going to the zoo." It was the hundredth time I'd had to tell them. I'd explained what it was that many times too. It still hadn't seemed to sunk in though because at the word zoo they all looked at each other oddly.

"Does a zoo have hundreds of unbeatable foes?"

"No," I sighed, "it doesn't Theoden." Several of them groaned in disappointment.

"Are there men there who will love me?"

"No." I answered Eponine flatly.

"Will Arwen and I be separated?"

"Will I find Jean Val-Jean there?"

"Are there people who need saving?"

"No, no, NO!" I shouted stopping and turning around to yell. "There are no people there who will kill us, fall in love with us, separate us, need arresting, or need saving! There are only animals!" There was a pause in which I turned back and continued walking then I heard a voice from behind me.

"Are the animals dangerous?" I had an over powering desire to strangle Hector. I contented myself with smacking myself in the head and ignoring the group who had begun discussing how possibly dangerous animals could be.

When we reached the zoo I bought eleven tickets for all of us. When I had woken up that morning there had been a pile of money and a note with suggestions of what I could do with the group. The note had been signed: 'Your Kind Of Friendly Punishing Angel'. With a smiley face. I had never hated him more.

"Do you know what is laying beyond that gate?" I looked over to see Achilles yelling surrounded by the other nine. He seemed to be giving them an encouraging speech. "Immortality through Death! Take it! It's yours!" With a cheer the ten of them stormed the gate causing a ticket taker to shriek and duck down behind his table.

The ten of them stopped dead when they had gotten through the gate. They all stared around taking in all the sights. A spilt second later they had all taken off in opposite directions running as fast as possible. I smacked the forehead with my hand again.

The biggest threat was Denethor who I could see. He had stopped and was now accusing a wandering pigeon of trying to kill his family and take his throne. It took several minutes to convince him that no one was out to get him, his family, or his home. In the end I ended up buying him off with the promise of ice cream if he helped me find everyone else.

The next person I found was Eponine. I found her by following my ears. Apparently a microphone had been set up for the zoo staff to use in a demonstration. She had found it and decided to woo the men there by showing off her beautiful voice. Said voice seemed to be causing several animals with sensitive hearing to go crazy and even the zoo staff trying to calm them looked like they were in pain. I guessed they were pleased when I dragged her off the stage based on their loud and quite enthusiastic applause.

As the microphone became free I found the next missing member. Or rather he found the empty microphone. Enjoras ran for the mike and began to try to convince everyone to help him free the poor from oppression. Like always he did this through singing. Once again I found myself dragging someone off the stage. Then I lectured both of them on not just getting on stage ever again for the sake of ears around the world. But I don't know if they could hear me because Denethor was reminding me loudly because he didn't have his ice cream yet.

I heard angry voices and figured I would find one of my charges there. Sure enough I found Achilles being yelled at by a security guard because he was trying to carve his name in statue with his sword. A second later Achilles had turned the sword towards the man.

"Put the sword down," I yelled at him running over, "right now!" He turned in shock and the guard took the chance to run for his life.

"You made me let the enemy go." He pouted as he looked after the man.

"I told you already," I lectured, "no attacking people. No matter what. And stop carving your name everywhere," the walls of the house were now covered by his carvings, "you can't just do that because you want to. It's destroying private property." Achilles didn't look like he was buying it. "And if you do it one more time," I added pointing a finger at him, "I'll sell your sword to pay for the damage." He sheathed the sword rapidly and stepped away from the statue. "Now come on," I said, "we have to find the others."

The next person we found was Arwen who was trying to convince a frightened zookeeper who was in a golf cart to run her over. It looked as if she had been chasing the man for some time now in hope of getting run over. I pulled her off the road and the man sped away.

"I can't live without my love," she screamed at the man, "so kill me!"

"Ignore her!" I shouted to the man's back.

"Love me!" Eponine yelled.

"And ignore her too!" I added. "Arwen," I asked, "where did Aragorn go?"

"He and Theoden went to defeat the enemies."

"What enemies?"

"The ones called Lions."

I ran, dragging the others as fast as I could following the signs to the lion cage. When I got there I saw Aragorn and Theoden standing in the cage. Theoden was giving a speech about fighting despite the hopeless situation how they would fight until they died. He was waving his sword around while he yelled. Apparently he had been yelling for a while now because a crowd had gathered.

"My love!" Arwen cried. I was thinking that the two of them stood a better chance against the lions then against me. As it turned out they didn't have to fight either. Zoo officials hit the two men with tranquilizers and they fell unconscious.

The zoo staff found an empty room where they had kept baby tigers. They put Aragorn and Theoden in there. I convinced them to add Arwen, Achilles, Enjoras, Eponine, and Denethor as well.

"But I want my ice cream!" Denethor shouted at me as the door closed. Then I was off to find the three remaining people.

I found Hector at the petting zoo trying to steal a pony so he could ride into battle. He was sitting on the pony as he tried to get it to gallop into the sunset.

Unfortunately for him the chestnut colored pony was used to carrying excited three year olds, not full grown men in full battle armor.

"Come on Hector," I coxed grabbing the pony's harness, "there is no battle. You don't have to steal this nice pony from the nice zoo people." The 'nice zoo people' were at that moment calling the equally 'nice' zoo security people.

"I won't get off!" Hector shouted.

"Fine," I sighed, "we'll do this the hard way." I yanked hard at Hector's leg and he fell off onto the ground. Free of it's burden the pony took off back towards the stables. Ignoring Hector's complaints I led him away from the petting zoo. We had just left it when we heard a commotion from the reptile room.

"Free! Free! Run and be free!" I heard people screaming and followed the yells and the screaming people and followed the sound to the reptile room. A door opened and a stampede of people and white mice ran out, followed by Harry Potter brandishing his wand. He was tackled from behind by a zoo keeper. I trudged over to smooth things over dragging Hector behind me. "But the snakes told me they eat the mice," Harry whined, "I was saving them."

I was almost unable to smooth things over. Needless to say the people at the zoo now hated me. I was asked to leave and was only allowed to stay when I pointed out that one of my charges was still running amuck somewhere on the zoo grounds. I locked Harry up with the rest and proceeded to find the last member of my group, Javert.

I finally spotted Javert walking swiftly towards the exit escorting a, (I did a double take), gorilla. The gorilla appeared to be handcuffed and the French detective was lecturing the animal.

"You can not fool me prisoner 24601," he was saying, "I can tell it's you."

"That is not," I yelled as I ran over to stop him, "Val-Jean. That is a gorilla. Let it go now. Put it back where you found it, now!" He gave me a bewildered look.

"I know that it is him," he sang at me, "and now I see your treachery, you are working with," his voice rose to a loud crescendo that attracted a lot of stares, "prisoner 2, 4, 6, 0… 1!"

"That's very good detective," I said softly separating him from the gorilla, "but I am not working with Jean Val-Jean or a gorilla from the zoo." By now the zoo keepers had noticed that a gorilla had been arrested by one of my charges. I think the zoo staff was under the impression that I worked for an insane asylum. I let them live under that delusion since I wasn't anxious to try to explain my situation.

With the last of my ten charges safely under my care the owner of the zoo themselves showed up to ask us never to return again. I wasn't sure what had driven them over the edge, it could have been any of my charge's high jinks.

I didn't want to know. All I wanted was to go back to the mansion and sleep. As I lay down I heard a commotion from downstairs. It sounded like a sort of earthquake mixed with a tornado.

"Give yourself up!"

"I will fight to the death!"

"I will save you!"

"I will defeat you all to prove myself! I will probably die though!"

"I can't live without you!"

"Shut that thing off," Javert sang, "or you will kill us all!"

"YAY!" The entire group shouted as one.

"I never got my ice cream!" Denethor persisted, yelling at me through my closed door. I hit myself on the head and decided from now on to lock everyone in their own rooms at bed time.


	4. Vroom! Vroom!

_**Author's Apology:**_

_Instead of an actual note I am writing a long letter of apology. I'm sorry I haven't posted, please forgive me. Please don't kill me!_

_Thank you to those who have reviewed, enigmagirl2727 (thanks for everything!), SuperBallOfPower, Syd, Queenofinsanity, WingedGuardian137 (sorry! she never really had a name, I just never gave her one. if you have any ideas I'd be glad to hear them!), and Authoressinhiding. Sorry to all of you! As thanks I will post the next chapter by the end of the week!_

**Chapter #4 **

I woke up after a fitful sleep full of dreams filled with my charges. It had taken a while to lock them all up but once I had the house had quieted down except for Eponine singing about being alone.

Cotton balls wedged into my ears had blocked the noise partially so I could sleep. Unfortunately no one else had had cotton balls and were now pissed at Eponine. All of them, except Aragorn and Arwen who were saying good morning to each other and oblivious to everything else, had cornered Eponine. She responded by beginning to sing. The tension in the room snapped.

"You are under arrest," Javert yelled/sang, "for attempted murder through singing."

"Let's just kill her," Achilles suggested to loud applause.

"No," Harry Potter jumped forward, "I will save her!"

"But she drove you as insane as the rest of us," sang Enjoras, "so why protect her?"

"Umm, I, I'm not sure- I, umm…" Harry clearly didn't know what to do, "I can't stand this!" He shouted and ran out of the room screaming.

"Everybody calm down," I said hating myself for joining the madness, "let's all have breakfast and then we'll decide what to do."

"I'll make breakfast!" Eponine offered running away from her murderous companions and into the kitchen.

"We can't let her make our meal," Hector told the others in a panicked voice, "she'll probably poison us."

"Poison," muttered Denethor who began to rant, "a good idea. I'm already poisoned. Let her!"

"No," Theoden argued, "death in a great battle is the only way to go!"

"You speak with wisdom," sang Enjoras in an operatic voice that no one would have guessed him capable of, "poison is the end of cowards and, falling in a- HORRIBLE- BATTLE- IS- " But the end of his song was missed as everyone else was already running for the kitchen.

Right after breakfast I took the group out to try some go-kart racing. From the get go I knew it wouldn't be fun.

I should have known that it would turn out bad, but apparently I'm not the brightest bulb in the bunch so I took them out anyway.

The first problem arose when they all began fighting amongst themselves over who would have what color car. All of them wanted red, Enjoras even had a song to sing in it's honor. Thus the battle began, each character vowing to drive the red car. I decided that if they couldn't decide I would have the red car taken away and no one could have it.

That's when they started fighting over the blue car.

In the end we had to play rock paper scissors shoot. Of course it took them all a while to understand that the game was not played with actual rocks and scissors. Then Achilles decided the game should also include swords so I had to confiscate his. But once that was cleared up everything went on well.

Until they started to race. Then I realized what hell really was and was very glad I hadn't ended up there.

In case you are wondering hell is being chased around a circular racetrack over and over again by ten deranged, suicidal maniacs.

All right nine deranged, suicidal maniacs. Aragorn and Arwen were sharing a car. Eponine had also wanted to share a car because she couldn't stand being alone but no one had been willing to share one with her.

And technically Harry Potter hadn't been trying to run me over. He'd been trying to save me by putting his green car in between the other cars and me. Luckily, (or unluckily), the other cars had managed to swerve around him.

Then Denethor, in his grey car, had decided to go full speed into a wall.

It was a good thing that I still had Achilles' sword. I used it to pop Denethor's tires and save him from perishing. He was, for some odd reason, upset.

It was then that Theoden, Hector, Aragorn, Achilles, Harry Potter, Eponine, and Arwen had decided to go do battle against the big cars. The ones driving on the real roads. The ones that were much, much larger then the puny little go-karts my charges were driving.

I could barely watch for fear one of them would die. Not that I would be sad but remember, if they were to die I wouldn't get any money for my troubles.

And that's how I found myself, for the second time, being kicked out of someplace because of my ten suicidal charges.


	5. Knives On Their Feet

_**Author's Note:**_

_So here we are at the third night. It's been a lot of fun to write this. I hope you all enjoy it. Thank you to all who read and reviewed!_

**Chapter #5**

I opened my eyes and for the first time wasn't surprised by my surroundings, I was starting to get used to the arrangement. I mean, I was tough, I could get through this. Nothing was going to bring my mood down.

Nothing except the scene that awaited me outside my door.

Theoden and Achilles were playing a game that involved strangling each other and seeing who would die first. From the abnormal color on each of their faces and the weird grunting noises they were making I was guessing they were both going to loose.

Enjoras and Eponine were arguing loudly. Of course for those two arguing, like all other forms of communicating, was being done through song. From the malevolent glares on Denethor and Hector's faces Enjoras and Eponine would not be arguing for long.

Aragorn and Harry Potter were both fighting over "who would die in the worst way trying to save someone else". Sparred on by the idea of her beloved dying Arwen was trying to tie a perfect noose, (and for elves doing something perfect wasn't exactly a challenge).

"Good morning," Javert sang at me, "we have been waiting for you to wake up! I had an idea about where we should go today."

"Where," I said in a resigned voice, "do you think we should go?"

"Either to where Jean Val-Jean is hiding or to a very tall bridge I could leap from." I smacked myself in the head. I should have known better then to wake up this morning.

"Sounds fun," Denethor interrupted.

"Wrong it is not fun," I yelled, "everybody stop what you're doing!" The room froze. "Let's go over this again, killing yourself is bad. Dying in anyway is bad. It is a bad thing that should be avoided."

I looked around and noticed something odd. I was the only one moving. The ten people before me had stopped breathing and were all turning blue from holding their breath.

"Damn it, BREATHE!" There was a whoosh of air as everyone took a deep breath.

"But you said to stop what we were doing," whined Harry Potter.

"Never stop breathing," I shouted, "never!"

"By the gods," Achilles said calmly massaging his throat, "there's no need to get so upset."

"You-" I began but a loud ding from the downstairs interrupted me.

"That's the oven," Denethor cried excitedly rushing towards the sound.

"Hey," Hector said chasing after him, "that's my pancake cooking so don't you set fire to it!" I smacked myself in the head and walked away to figure out where I should take the group that day. Looking at the list my eyes fell upon the words, _Ice Skating_.

-- 

"Why do we want to put knives to our feet?"

"We do it to slice our feet open and cause pain," Achilles answered Eponine excitedly. The rest of them murmured and picked up the skates quickly.

"That is not what they're for," I yelled pulling the skates away from Achilles, "they go on the other way. Like shoes." Achilles and Hector gave me the oddest looks and I smacked myself in the forehead. "Like sandals for those of you who don't know what shoes are."

"Ahh," Hector sighed slipping one of his skates on, "quite ingenious."

"Uh," I managed without laughing, "sure."

"I can't believe you have never heard of shoes," Denethor taunted, "you are so uncivilized."

"You have insulted my honor," Achilles shouted seeming to swell with anger, "I challenge you to a duel to the death with my bladed shoe." He grabbed his skates back from me and pointed them at Denethor.

"I accept," Denethor said holding his skates up as well.

"Enough," I screeched grabbing the skates from them and forcing them to sit, "everyone sit down while I put your skates on."

"I can not live," Arwen screamed and I sighed.

"Aragorn is fine Arwen he's sitting next to you."

"No he's not," Arwen sniffed. I looked around wildly to see that, sure enough, Aragorn had wandered off.

I did not have to look far at all to find him however. It's not as if there were many other men in grimy cloths slipping and sliding across the ice in an attempt to get run over by the zambonie. With a yelp I ran onto the ice to intercept him before he was squished by the giant machine.

Unfortunately I had forgotten that, like Aragorn, I was not wearing skates. The two of us had a quick yet brutal wrestling match on the slippery surface. With a heave I shoved Aragorn and he fell through the door and back onto the solid ground. Unfortunately I was still in the path of the zambonie bearing down on me. With a grunt I pulled myself out of it's way.

And then it swung around and tried to hit me again. Shocked I looked over and saw that no one was driving it. Looking back over at my ten charges I saw Theoden with Harry Potter's wand. He was waving it at the zambonie. Harry Potter was jumping around trying to retrieve his stolen wand.

I crawled off the ice and stomped over to Theoden. He quickly gave the wand back to Harry Potter.

"He did it," Theoden accused.

"No I didn't," Harry Potter protested.

"Yes you did," Theoden continued, "I saw you. You were mad at her for thwarting all of our attempts to die so you tried to kill. What a brilliant plan, you were quite smart for thinking of it. But still very wrong. You should be punished."

"Theoden," I said calmly not yelling, "why did you try to kill me?"

"I didn't," he protested.

"Yes you did," I was now yelling, "I saw you."

"Well you never let us have any fun," he whined.

"Dying is not fun," I said for the ten thousandth-millionth-kazillionoth time, "dying is bad. Theoden sit here, you are in TIME OUT." Theoden sat down, sulking all the way. "Aragorn, you too."

"I don't want to live without him," Arwen cried mournfully. I smacked myself in the head.

"Fine," I snapped, "then you can go in TIME OUT as well."

"Okay," she sighed sitting down next to her beloved.

"As for everyone else," I turned on the group, "put your skates on correctly and then you can go out there and have fun that does not have anything to do with violence."

Nobody cheered for me or my speech, on the contrary they all looked a little sad. But they did as I'd asked and put the skates on their feet, (the right way), and then stepped onto the ice.

And then they each fell.

Javert went down first, Enjoras tripped over him almost at once. Harry Potter rushed to "save them". In his haste to help people Harry Potter knocked Denethor over. The Steward of Gondor fell on his back, his feet flying out from under him and his arms flailing hopelessly. He took out both Hector and Eponine. Eponine began to sing about how she was cold and alone. Moaning in pain Achilles sunk down to his knees and cowered on the ground.

I smacked myself hard in the head. This had not been a smart decision. I could just tell that this was going to be a long day.

And it was. After four excruciating hours of literally playing referee to eight out of control skaters and two benched love birds I was more then ready to call it a day.


	6. Shopping Spree

_**Author's Note:**_

_So here is the fourth night of punishment given by the ten crazy suicidal maniacs. Thanks so much for reading and reviewing! I got three for the last chapter and they were from all-evil-grins, Queenofinsanity, and Suuki-Aldrea! You guys are the best! I hope you enjoy this!_

**Chapter #6**

On the morning of the fourth day the ten suicidal guests had found a new way to try to kill themselves. Of all the ways they'd tried to do themselves in this, this horrible new way, was the most dreadful yet.

After three days all of my charge's cloths had started to smell.

The stench was getting to be too much for anyone to stand. I lined them all up and sprayed all the scented sprays on them all. But I knew it was only a short term solution, it wouldn't last forever.

And that's how I came to choose our destination for the fourth day. We were going to the mall to buy cloths for the ten suicidal loonies. I already pitied the poor sales clerk who would have to help them.

It took a long time to explain the concept of a mall but once I did they were all very excited. They all had things they wanted to buy. These things ranged from the music that Enjoras wanted to buy to the shoes that Hector had decided would be better then his sandals. All Denethor wanted was the ice cream that I owed him from the trip to the zoo.

I knew it would be expensive to buy all ten of them new cloths but the angel was paying for it so I didn't feel bad. He deserved it for all the pain he was putting me through.

When we arrived at the mall the first thing they all tried to do was run away in different directions.

"Hold it," I shouted, "don't anyone move." They all froze in mid-stride. "Does anyone remember what I taught you all about malls?" They all raised their hands in the air. "Yes Theoden," I sighed pointing at the king of Rohan.

"You can get anything you want here," he recited from what I had spent all morning teaching them, "except weapons."

"But do you remember how you get these things?" I asked them all. For a minute all I got were blank stares. Finally Achilles answered.

"You defeat the previous owners in a duel to the death?" he guessed hopefully.

"Wrong!" I yelled at him, "Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!" Clearly absolutely none of the lectures I had spent the past few days pounding into their heads had gone in one ear and out the other. "You buy the things that are for sale with money," I held up a bill for their inspection. "And since only I am holding the money only I buy you things. So that means we're all going to-?"

"Stay together," all ten of them coursed.

We bought them new cloths first. Denethor got very mad when I told him he couldn't buy a big fur coat. Finally he had to make do with a black leather jacket.

"It's just not the same," he complained now wearing the jacket over a blue polo shirt and khaki pants. I directed all of my energy towards ignoring him.

Aragorn and Arwen were delighted to find matching outfits, red shirts and blue jeans. They were so happy that I didn't even have the heart to tell Aragorn that the blue shirt he was wearing had been made for a woman.

Eponine choose an outfit very similar to her previous outfit except for the fact that her new outfit was bright pink. The skirt was also a little shorter but it wasn't a noticeable difference compared to the fact that she now looked like a giant piece of cotton candy.

Enjoras spent a rather long time deciding between a red turtleneck short or a black turtleneck shirt. Predictably he broke into song.

"Red, the blood of angry men! Black, the dark of ages past! Red… a world about to dawn! Black… the night that ends at-"

"Shut up!" A lady looking through the next rack yelled. I compromised by letting Enjoras have both shirts.

Harry Potter was mad that the store didn't carry wizards robes. He agreed to buy the nice and normal outfit I'd picked out for him but only if I would buy the green bathrobe with frogs on it he had found.

I was very sorry to give in.

Achilles was mad because the pants didn't have a sheath for his sword. He also was very sad that the cloths wouldn't protect him from enemy attacks as well as his amour would.

Hector kept asking if we could skip right to the shoes. Finally he had one new outfit and five pairs of shoes. He put one of them on and promptly decided that he didn't like them anymore and wanted his sandals back.

Javert wanted a police uniform. Nothing else would do. Finally I managed to convince him that the navy blue suit was the closest thing he would find. He grudgingly accepted it.

Theoden ended up with a cowboy outfit. I could have sworn I had been watching him the whole time but at some point he had gotten away from me. By that time however I was so sick of shopping for cloths with the ten psychopaths that I just let him keep the outfit.

After that I took them all to a restaurant to get lunch.

I'll take this minute to reflect on what an idiot I am. You'd think that I would have learned over the last few days…

But I hadn't.

As we were brought to our table the first little hitch in my plan became obvious. All ten of them began fighting over the seats. Arwen and Aragorn challenged all of them to a duel to the death over two chairs that they had named Rivendell and Gondor.

Enjoras wanted to sit by the kitchen so he could spread his message to the poor oppressed kitchen workers. Eponine, on the other hand, wanted to sit there to be closer to the cute waiter. Said waiter was hiding there after she had attempted to sing him a love song.

Achilles, Theoden, and Javert were all fighting over the chair at the head of the table. Harry Potter was more interested in saving Hector who was being trampled by the fighters dueling with bread sticks over the head chair.

But Denethor won the prize of causing the most destruction and ruckus.

The Steward of Gondor had grabbed one of the candles from the neatly set table and set the chair he wanted on fire.

A half an hour later I had talked the firemen out of pressing charges. Ditto with the people from the restaurant. On the other hand we had been kicked out before getting a chance to eat and told never to come back again.

And I had really liked that restaurant a lot.

In the end I had to stop at a drive-through fast food place. Eleven burgers, eleven large sodas, eleven fries, and ten toys later I had ten happy house guests.

Not that I was happy or anything.


End file.
